Found coffee-stained and crumpled behind the photocopier at GLA HQ, and subsequently leaked to Don't Panic reporter Brett Van Dangle, this handscribed first draft Boris Johnson's manifesto gives us a sneak peak of what treats us lucky Londoners have in store:

Hello Boris here! Jolly old London needs shaking up and no mistake, and yours truly is the man for the job.

Pledge 1) Rid ourselves of those despicable Kraut bendy buses. We didn't fight a war against the bosh only to be mowed down by their buses on the King's Road. Once we've binned the blighters we'll bring back the sedan chair. The accountant johnnies say it's a goer and people will still be able to keep using those card thingies to ride one. They'll ensure one doesn't have to mix with any riff raff and it'll give all those Polish chaps something to do.

Sedan chairs - the way forward

Nothing beats a good thrashing

Pledge 2) Bring back the birch. When I was caught flushing some scugs head down the bog at Eton my backside was flogged into the middle of next term, and you know what, I was grateful! I smartened my act right up. Your mischief making youth of today simply needs a damned good thrashing with the trusty old birch, or if the health and safety Nazis of Europe stick their beaks in we can just slam the offending hoodie into the stocks for 24 hours. Watch crime plummet, what?

 

 

 

Huzzah for black people!

Pledge 3) Recruit more blacks into my cabinet. There weren't many of the buggers at Eton or Oxford, except a couple of princes from Bongo Bongo land and sons of some tin-pot cleptocrats, but times-they-are-a-changing (as the Beetles once sang) so let's give them a shot at running something. You blokes at Central Office are going to have to help dredge up some half-way decent material for me to get photographed with, what?

 

 

 

More gays in government!

 

Pledge 4) Get more gays into my cabinet. Now there were alarming numbers of the blighters at school, Oxford and the other place (Michael among countless others) but they don't seem plentiful in politics. Outside of the ranks of the Lib Dems of course - remember that chap who wanted to be their leader but had been ‘Space docking' (any of you chaps able to enlighten me?) a rent boy? Then he put it down to losing his hair. Extraordinary stuff! Don't want anyone like that, just a good, clean, unthreatening homo.

 

 

 

Pledge 5) Can the congestion charge! Lot of old rot talked about the environment... Friend Bush is on the right track - ignore those enviro-loonies and tell them to stick their treaties and charges where the sun don't shine.

Congestion charge - hippie hogwash

More to come - forgot to mention the Mohammedians, the Olympics (any chance of including The Wall Game in 2012? May think about entering that one myself) and of course women; although don't want too many of them about as I may get myself into a spot of bother again. Mrs Johnson may start reaching for the divorce papers she keeps in her top drawer.